"MY DIRTY LIFE IN COMEDY"  A  GRITTY TRUE MEMOIR. ABOUT MY YEARS IN LA AS A COMEDIAN AND  SIT COM WRITER 

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AN  NEW EXCERT FROM MY BOOK:

Chapter 8 

WARREN BEATTY & OTHER ANNOYING CELEBRITIES 

     If you live in LA long enough you’re bound to see someone famous. If you ‘re lucky you’ll even see someone who used to be famous acting badly in public.  Steve and I were sitting at a drive thru at two in the morning after a night of partying.    The woman in the car in front of us was leaning out the window screaming at the kid in the drive-thru window.  Steve recognized her, “Honey, that’s Tina Louise!  Ginger from Gilligan’s Island!”  Steve could recognize a celebrity a mile away.   He was right, it was Tina Louise screaming at like an angry dog at this poor kid.  “I did not order thighs!!  I ordered breasts!!! What is wrong with you!!  I think she might have said the same thing to her plastic surgeon.  Steve and I were laughing so hard. When we finally got to the window, the kid was in tears. We told her “Don’t worry Tina Louise is an old has been” Then Steve added “And a huge bitch” This made her feel better and we got extra fries.   Most of my celebrity encounters happened at the Comedy Store.  You never knew who was going to just drop in.  Robin Williams came in all the time.  He would bump everyone off stage and do hours of stand up.   One-night Steve and I were doing improv in the main room when Robin Williams joined us on stage.  The room erupted into hysterical applause.  He improvised with me, pretending to be my husband.   I was keeping up, but it was difficult.  Once Robin was on a roll, there was no space to contribute.  During the sketch, he stuffed his fat little Popeye arms into Steve's small suit jacket ripping in half. After the show, he gave Steve 100 bucks and apologized.   “Sorry buddy” Steve kept that jacket for years.  When it was falling apart he donated it to the Salvation Army thrift store in Danville VA, Steve’s home town. A few weeks later, Steve and his father were in a local diner when some red neck walked in with the jacket on.  They stitched it in the back with some other material.  Steve was going to tell the guy whose jacket it was, but he didn’t feel like being called a faggot and get his ass kicked.   Richard Pryor would come in, do some time on stage, then drink for free all night.  Chris Farley sweat so much by the time he got off stage everyone in the front row was soaking wet.  It was like sitting ringside at Sea World.  

     Being stalked by Warren Beatty was my most impressive celebrity encounter. I was shopping in Beverly Hills with Kit, a fellow comedian who was visiting from San Francisco.  She would stay with Steve and I on weekends.  We would drive around Beverly Hills and try on clothes we couldn’t afford.  Our big fun was farting in the change rooms.  Now at 65 farting is not as much fun since you never know if it’s only a fart.   Once weekend we went to Fred Segal’s. A clothing store on Melrose.  We were in the store for five minutes when this guy walks in wearing a long trench coat and dark sunglasses. The clerks got excited, so we figured he was a celebrity.  We followed him around to see who he was.  He was wearing the typical celebrity disguise.  Finally, he took his sunglasses off, it was Warren Beatty.  Kit was star struck. I thought she was going to have a seizure.  He was very charming.  We talked to him for five minutes, about nothing. “You girls shop here often?”  We answered unison like two star struck idiots. Then some other customers came over to get an autograph.  I dragged Kit out of the store.  She wanted to go back and get his autograph. Two minutes later Kit came running out hysterical. “Holy shit. Lois Warren Beatty asked for your phone number?  So, I gave it to him.  I think he wants to fuck you!”  “Kit I’m a lesbian remember?”  I was mad she gave him my number.  On the way home, we noticed a light blue Mercedes following us.   Warren Beatty was stalking us!   He followed us down Rodeo Drive, I couldn’t lose him.   Kit kept yelling “Pull over he wants to talk to you!”   I sped down Santa Monica Blvd, running a few red lights. He caught up to us then pulled alongside rolled his window down “I’ll call you soon Lois “then drove away.   A couple of weeks later, he called. Steve answered the phone, not sure he believed it was Warren Beatty.  He was so nonchalant “Honey. It’s for you. It’s Warren” I had no clue what to talk about.   He was very nice and asked me about my comedy then invited me to lunch.  I asked if I could bring my girlfriend?   He laughed “Sure why not” We met at The Hamburger Hamlet a popular place for celebrities to hang out.   It was at the end of Sunset just before the Hollywood Hills Canyon. It was a gloomy little place, dimly lit day and night, with no windows.     As soon as we walked in the host pointed to a corner booth at the back of the restaurant.  Then in an annoyed tone, “He’s over there” I guess Warren met a lot of women at the Hamlet and the host was sick of it. 

     It was like a scene from the Godfather.   This dark restaurant in the middle of the day.  There he was, sitting in a huge booth.  He stood up, and greeted us with his huge smile. “Hi ladies” My girlfriend was so star struck she could barely say hello.   A few heads turned, but in LA the stares don’t last long.   He was very charming. You could see why everyone wanted to sleep with him.   He talked about his movies and the actresses he worked with over the years.  Then went into details “If you want to make it you have to fuck everyone and I did fuck a lot of people” I laughed because it sounds like a hint.  My girlfriend was still just staring at him.  Then suddenly the conversation turned to his eczema.    He showed us the palms of his hands. They were red and scaly.  But worse was his little girl’s hands.   It’s as so strange little skinny fingers on this big hunky guy!   I kept trying to turn the conversation back to Bonnie & Clyde.  But he kept bringing the conversation back to sex or his eczema.  He bragged about his sexual escapades and his ass.  “I shave it so it’s hard and smooth” Then he looked at me, waiting for a reaction.  I had no clue what to say so “Well I don’t have to shave my ass just my arm pits and legs” He laughed.  I felt more like I was having lunch with an 80-year-old sex symbol.   Which is exactly what he is today.  He told me I should do movies, that I had the looks for it.   He wrote his number on a napkin.  “Lois, I could introduce you to people who would make you a movie star” I laughed because I had heard that before.  I just didn’t want to fuck anyone to get ahead.  So, I asked him straight out!  “Do I have to fuck you?”   I got a dirty look from my girlfriend who still hadn’t said a word.  He laughed. “Maybe I think you might enjoy it” I reminded him I was gay.  He said jokingly “Well I’ve slept with a lot of gay women” Then suddenly he got up, reminded me to call him, paid for lunch and left.   I asked the waitress if he comes in here a lot” She laughed “Yes all the time, this is his booth sometimes he comes with Jack Nicolson and they sit here for hours” On the way home, my girlfriend didn’t say a word. Then suddenly she blurted out “You want to fuck him, don’t you?”   I told her, “No! Do you?”  We had a fight. That night I went to the Comedy Store and did twenty minutes about Warren Beatty’s tiny doll hands, his eczema and shaved ass.     

     A few weeks later he called and invited me to his house to watch a screening of REDS with some friends.  Diane Keaton. Elaine May and Jack Nicholson. An impressive group of friends.  I asked if I could bring my girlfriend. He said “It would be better if you came alone. I just want everyone to meet you” I told him, “If I come to your house without my girlfriend, when I get home I won’t have a girlfriend” He kept trying to convince me, then gave up and ended the conversation with “What do you think I’m going to do rape you?”  Not sure why he said that, but I’m glad I didn’t go. He would have to share his freshly shaved ass for someone else.   I would have loved to meet Diane Keaton, but I met her a few years later at an event.  About ten years later I was at a benefit with a producer friend of mine.  I spotted Warren Beatty from across the room.  There were a ton of celebrities the most annoying was Fran Drescher her voice could turn you into an axe murderer, I didn’t have the nerve to go over and say hello. So, I just drank a large glass of wine and hoped he wouldn’t see me. A few minutes later I heard this booming voice “Hello Lois!” I said hello Warren in my booming voice.  He stared at me for a minute, asked how I was, then walked away like a jilted boyfriend.  In 2018 I was in London performing and met up with my pal Kit whose lived in London for many years. We had not seen each other for over twenty-five years.  We met at the Waterloo train station which is enormous.  When we spotted each other we burst into laughter?  We were both so fucking old.  We had lunch and reminisced about our crazy life and of course Warren Beatty.  Then for old time sake we went to Harrods tried on some clothes and left some farts in the change rooms.

A FLASH FROM THE PAST.  I WAS 30 SOMETHING.    CRAZY SHOW ON SUNSET BLVD. HOT AS HELL AN  WAS IN A LEATHER  JACKET SWEATING LIKE A PIG