AN  EXCERT FROM MY BOOK:

TO COME OUT OR NOT TO COME OUT / “SORORITY GIRLS FROM HELL,” 

It was getting harder to lie about my sexuality. I wasn’t very convincing as a straight woman. But I was getting laughs with my bullshit straight act. My dick jokes were good, considering I had only seen two in my life. I really wanted to talk about being gay. My agent was nervous I would come out and limit many opportunities. He was right, but it was very frustrating being a big fake on stage. I can’t name a successful gay stand-up act in the 80s or even the early 90s. Just when I thought I was stuck playing a hetero for the rest of my life, I was asked to do an interview with The Advocate. This was a chance to come crashing out of the closet in the most popular national LBGTQ magazine in America! The interview was amazing; I went all the way! I spilled my guts! It was an enormous relief finally talking about being gay and how it affected my career as a comedian.  

When the article came out, my girlfriend at the time was furious! She flipped out, “Now my mother will know I’m gay.” I guess she thought her mother was an idiot. We were in our 40s and sharing a one-bedroom apt for six years! Her mother knew she was gay. I told her not to worry. I doubted her mother read The Advocate! But her neighbor’s son was gay and showed it to her. She loved it and didn’t care.  

I was booked on Rosie O’Donnell’s VH1 stand-up show. This was the perfect platform for me—since I had done The Advocate article, I figured why not finally come out in my act. It was a late-night show and Rosie being a big dyke, I figured she would be supportive. I told her I was going talk about being a lesbian in my act. She looked at me stunned and said, “Don’t do it, Bromfield. It will fuck up your career.” She always called me “Bromfield”. So, like an idiot, I took her advice. A few years later, Rosie fucked up her own career by not coming out on her show. She pretended to be in love with Tom Cruise. Once her audience realized she was a fake, her popularity took a dive.  

Being out on the road was risky. Some of road comics can be real assholes. And the clubs and audiences were painfully heterosexual in many parts of the country. I once headlined at a club in Indiana. They hired a local act to open. He got huge laughs talking about killing gay people, telling rape jokes and racist rants about black people. I had to follow this scumbag. I did not do well. But after the show, I told him he was not a comedian, just another bigot racist asshole. I never played this club again. Most of the comedy clubs were great. But a bad comedian can wreck the entire show.  

In the early 90s, I did the Arsenio Hall Show. Arsenio and I came up at The Comedy Store together. When I told Arsenio, I was going to come out in the act, his reaction was completely opposite to that of Rosie. He was excited and encouraged me to come out on his show. I did a few jokes, then I was about to say I was gay but chickened out. I did all my straight jokes and got huge laughs. I was so mad at myself for bailing. I sat on the couch with Arsenio for the interview. After thirty seconds, I was ready! He asked me about my love life. I blurted out that I had a girlfriend and I was a big lesbian. The crowd was silent. They looked confused and betrayed. Two minutes ago, I was talking about my boyfriend… I felt like Rosie. Arsenio told the audience to lighten up. The interview ended with some lame applause. I thanked Arsenio for having me on the show. I was so happy even though the audience had hated me, I didn’t care  I felt free. On the way to my car, a woman from the audience rushed up to me. I thought she was going to ask for an autograph. She stared at me for a beat then said, “You’re a sinner and going to hell” Then she walked away. Silly Bible thumper!