EXCERT FROM MY BOOK : 

CHAPTER 3 

THE COMEDY BOOM!!

...I don’t  know why my agent thought I was going to be the next Vanna White.  He keep putting it up for  game shows.  I finally landed a TV pilot for a new game  show. Starring this  British actor, apparently well known in the UK.  He had  terrible breath and  British  teeth.  He insisted on calling me darling and  holding my hand during rehearsals.  I hated him.   Mitzi was so excited for me.  She honestly, thought this was going to be my big break.   So she  bought me a very expensive outfit  from one of these tacky Beverly Hills stores.  I was so un comfortable, squeezed in this ugly silk dress and  giant high heels that would make any drag queen envious.   My hair was enormous  my make was heavy and my lips were a lovely shade of  whore red. The director told me just to introduce the contestants and  laugh when the host says something funny,  which he never did.   I was hoping I was fall over  and break my ankle before the taping so I could … GO HOME !   But somehow I managed to  stomp onto the stage  like a huge bull dyke  introduce the guests then stomp off. After two hours of filming, my feet were on fire and my dress was slowly being sucked into my ass crack.  I was sweating so much.  Then to make things worse my mother was in the audience.   She was visiting from Canada   So I didn’t want her to see her daughter make a fool of herself.  Well too late for that.  At the end of the taping I had to stand with my co host  and say goodnight.  He had his arm around my waste so tight it made me fart.  I started to laugh nervously and my  nose  exploded with snot, I wiped my face with the sleeve of my seven hundred dollar  silk dress  that Mitzi bought me   The co- host  made a comment  about my dress being covered is “goo” then handed me his hankie. I waved to the camera then stumbled back stage and into the bathroom.  The sleeve of my dress was covered in snot.  I wanted to hang myself but silk doesn’t hold.  Anyway,  Mitzi thought I  was going to be the next Lucille Ball,  not sure how that was going to happen.  Lucky for me the show never aired    After this I had a new respect for Vanna White.   A few days later I accidentally washed my seven hundred dress in hot water and it shrunk down to  the size of a large shammy, perfect for washing your car.   Mitzi wanted to kill me since her plan was to return it after the taping…